Dam

I'm in an ugly place right now. Some kind of cold I just can't break. Sleeping in when I can, exercising when I can, and none of it makes a difference. Still tired all the time, concentration shot. No point -- well, no immediate point -- in going to the doctor. I am due for blood screen and annual so I need to go, give blood, wait a week, go again, get vitals, wait a few more weeks...they've got to go through the motions unless I am actually bleeding on the floor. And at the moment, that's just one more chore to drag down what little strength I can muster so no thanks to all of it.

Still struggling to keep my work hours up (is slack time right now but a huge project is rolling towards us. Which may actually make it easier.)

And struggling to finish the book. I have no confidence about it right now. And I can't talk about that with anyone because I'll just get the same "Well, you should have planned it more carefully" (half the stuff I've learned I couldn't have found in planning. It had to be found in text). And of course, "Beside, why are you writing such a stupid idea? Why don't you write this much better idea I just happened to think of at this moment which of course is totally a good idea and will work well as a novel." GTFO. I am so TIRED of that crap.

This is the best of what I can do. I did the process, I followed every step to the best of my ability. I've been hitting the books for decades so no, I don't need to read the goddamn book on "How to write your first novel its so easy" you just found on the bestseller list and loved.

All of my writer instincts are telling me dump it, throw it away. And the instinct above that is saying there's no point in even trying, I haven't got it and it is too late for me to learn it now. But one tiny Pandora-moth-sized instinct at the bottom of all of that is saying don't do anything rash. Finish first. Just finish.

And I'm trying. I finally broke through and kicked out first twenty words, then six hundred, then another six hundred. And I'm trying very hard not to let the perfectly natural process of having to explore a little the motivations of a new character and read up a little on the geography of the setting put the brakes on that tiny but forward motion.

I've done a 10K chapter over 2-3 days before. I should be able to get through this in a month. But every time I open the text it just feels both impossible and pointless.

Well, off to trying again. While I see if my gut can handle a little breakfast...